The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug ~ An Abomination

Hello, everyone! I finally managed to get myself to the theatre to see 'The Desolation of Smaug'! As most of you probably remember, I pretty much hated the first 'Hobbit' movie. Well, this one is even worse! Congratulation Peter Jackson, you outdid yourself. Your selfish, egotistical direction style has managed to absolutely destroy the middle section of the beloved Hobbit story. Let's get started on the details shall we?

First! I know this has been talked about by everyone, but the High Frame Rate! It's distracting and clunky. I'm my opinion, it make everyone look like they were moving ever so slightly in fast forward. Also, it generally made the film quality look like a made-for-TV movie. I watched the first Hobbit in 2D so this was my first encounter with this laborious beast. They never should have done it.

Second, the Hobbit feet. WHY WHY WHY? Why did they make his feet swollen to a comical, ridiculous level? They are meant to be hairy and tough, not the size of his head! Jackson did the feet right in LOTR and yet decided to ruin them now. While we are on the topic, all the prosthetics were terrible. The dwarves faces and hands were DISTRACTINGLY rubbery. It's pathetic for a movie with a massive budget.

It looked like a Disney ride concept.

Third, the barrel riding scene. This scene was so stupid, over the top, changed, and preposterous that I literally laughed out loud during it. I don't mean a stifled chuckle, I mean a full belly laugh, in the theatre. The dwarves are bouncing down the river in OPEN barrels through rapids while Bilbo holds on to the side. All this is happening while they are FIGHTING ORCS, jumping in and out of their barrels, Legolas is jumping from dwarf head to head like stepping stones, and one barrel flies off course and bounces, on dry land, crushing orc upon orc. After that ridiculous display, the Dwarf lands on his feet, has enough cracks in the barrel to see, and begins to fight the Orcs in person until the barrel is completely destroyed. He then conveniently jumps into another empty barrel that wasn't there a moment ago. Terrible.

They ruined Beorn.

Fourth, we have all the unnecessary added side plots! One is an insane love triangle between Elves and a Dwarf, one is the Gandalf mini adventure, and one is all the politics in Lake Town. That, and the fact that not all the dwarves EVEN GO TO THE MOUNTAIN! Several of them stay in lake town because of an injury. I'm talking bang your head against the wall bad here! Especially, the love triangle, it's was groan worthy.

Fifth, the Thranduil burn. For some unknown reason, they have Thranduil imply that he has been burnt and his face MORPHS to look all burnt and nasty before returning to normal. That was just stupid.

Sixth, the finale battle against Smaug. Not only did none of it happen in the book, but it had so many obvious plot holes that my only conclusion is that the editors just gave up with this movie. At one point Thorin is riding a metal wheelbarrow down a RIVER OF MOLTEN GOLD. The wheelbarrow doesn't melt and the proximity the the gold doesn't cook Thorin alive. This scene was riddled with terrible, cartoonish action that took away all validity from the plot.

Seventh, Legolas. He was the real star of this movie. He was ALL OVER THE PLACE. For a character that isn't ever mentioned in the book, I would guess that he is vying for the spot of most screen time. Honestly, the bits with him in it weren't that bad. Except for when he was surfing down the trees of mirkwood on the back of a spider, that was bad.

There are literally, dozens of things I could mention case by case, but I will stop now and return to general ideas.

This movie destroyed everything that is good about the book 'The Hobbit'. Not only that, it's a long, boring, movie filled with plot impossibilities. Even if you've never read the book, this story will have you confused and shocked at the imbecility of it. There was only one scene it the three hours of film that wasn't cut worthy. That is the conversation between Bilbo and the Dragon. That part was good.

I was thinking that if you cut everything from this movie that wasn't in the book there would probably be twenty minutes or less left. If you then cut everything that was boring or stupid, ten minutes. Don't go see this movie. Just don't.