I thought I was ready. I thought my expectations were low enough. If there is one skill that Peter Jackson has, it's the unyielding ability to always find a new low. Although in a scene by scene comparison nothing can be worse than the barrel riding scene in 'Desolation of Smaug', as a whole, 'Battle of Five Armies' managed to leave me with an even larger pain in my stomach than any of it's predecessors.
Do you want details? Well, I'm going to give them so buckle in.
This movie is nothing but a soulless franchise that should be an eternal shame to everyone involved. All of the trite side plots that we have grown to loath continued, at their normal slothful pace. Yes, more vomit inducing dwarf/elf romance, Gandalf and his merry band doing things that have nothing to do with this movie, pointless lake town drama, that horrible white orc, the inexcusable brown wizard, and an overwhelming amount of face-palm worthy battle sequences.
|Why are you even in this movie Sauron?|
When they weren't using these familiar means to steamroll one of my fondest childhood stories, they filmmakers were wheeling out new and equally distressing alternatives. There were legless trolls that walked on legs made of maces, even more fabricated plots to try and fill the time, entire scenes that were completely CGI to the point where they rendered actors and it looked like a video game, countless (and I mean countless) times when ridiculous and impossible feats were accomplished that made the entire theatre laugh in derision, Legolas running out of arrows (what?), long scenes of Thorin going mad as well as his bizarre hallucinations, and the scene where Smaug is slain - that almost could have been good if they hadn't ruined it by having Bard use one of his children as a makeshift bow (you read that right, it felt like a spoof).
|Overhead shots of armies, bread and butter for Peter Jackson.|